the entire world

over

lowering my expectations always helps with the painful disappointment that seems to always follow attempted relationships. this time, i didn’t lower them, i kept them high and he met all of them. so disgustingly lovely, i was sick about it. days turned into weeks and months but i knew it was too good to be true. what did i do wrong? nothing. nothing except make him be everything i’ve ever asked for and wanted. problem? the problem is, he wasn’t those things. he never was any of those things. see, there’s a period of time when you really find out who that person is, they play a game. who was he? i’ll never know but he played a great game. so many others have tried but he, he had me in the palm of his hand, then when i wasn’t looking, he crushed me. i desperately tried to hang on, i tried to become everything he wanted only with the hopes that he would suddenly fill the enormous shoes i laid out for him.

i didn’t.

he didn’t.

mistake

“the greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” -elbert hubbard

it doesn’t interest me…

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love, for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it
or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own.
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy
fill you to the tips of your fingers
and toes without cautioning us
to be careful, be realistic,
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live,
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what
or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company
you keep in the empty moments.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999

the primer

She said, I love you.

He said, Nothing.

(As if there were just one
of each word and the one
who used it, used it up).

In the history of language
the first obscenity was silence.

***

The Primer
by Christina Davis