She hits.

She’s always hit. My first memory was of her hitting. The rage, it builds up inside her every time she takes a breath. I don’t even think she knows what she does when she does it and I know she doesn’t know even after it’s done and the bruises are there to show her. Denial is her best friend. It comforts her and gives her freedom. An illusion in her mind where accidents always happen around her regardless of fault, it’s none if her own. She’s sorry you feel that way and that you misbehaved. She’s sorry they couldn’t follow simple instructions and eventually forced her to lose her temper and she’s sorry the end result was an accident you caused yourself. She ends all confrontation with an okay you’re right or a fist fight. No ownership except for those who she comes to save. Rescuing is somehow redemption in her mind. Redemption for things she’ll never outright admit and she’s good at letting other draw conclusions from her twisted perceptions. Emotional unavailability is a breeding ground for hate for herself and secretly you too. Be careful, she hits and if she does it again, I will lose my kids and she might lose hers as well. From this moment on, as a mother, I cannot allow them to be in her presence and that is both a blessing and a horror.

Well I guess I’ll just go home

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.

I won’t die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

After the storm – Mumford & Sons

I have no messages

I have:

• no messages
• no missed calls
• no emails
• no letters or postcards

Don’t get me wrong, I get hundreds per day. Phone calls, voice mails, emails, texts…messages. But none of them mean anything at all. They come and go and don’t invoke a single shard of emotion except hindrance. There is a more powerful meaning in not getting the message I want need.

The hardest part is accepting the rejection and moving on.

Breathe.

You could

I’ve never met you but you could be amazing.
You could portray yourself to be everything I’ve ever wanted in a man.
You could be the one for me, waiting to sweep me off my feet.
You could be completely edible from head to toe and you could melt in my mouth.
You could play hard to get until I eventually fall in love with you and the simple thought of you being near.
You could lure me in with mystery and intrigue and tell me all the things I long to hear.
You could make me quiver and cry with the very sound of your voice.
You could make me feel like the woman I’ve always wanted to be.
You could say things that melt my heart and tug at my strings.
You could become everything I think about.
You could be the reason for everything I do.
Yes, you could. Actually, you did.

You could be absolutely perfect in every way and in a blink of an eye, you could be none of those things.
You could have told the truth instead of lie to me.
You could have said I was over reacting when I told you I loved you.
You could have told me this wasn’t real.
You could have mentioned you were a fake.
You could have been honest about it all instead of leading me to believe you hung the moon.
You could have said I was crazy when I said I would wait long after the heavens collapsed to be with you.

But you didn’t and now I don’t know what to believe because even though you may have lied, I’ll never know the truth but I’ll always love the you I made in my mind.

I could complain.

I could complain and I could rant. I could tell you how miserable I am and how unhappy I’ve become even though the money pours in. I could tell you how I miss him even when he’s on the phone or how I want to cry the very second he hangs up. I could tell you about all my stresses and my failures. I could tell you how badly I want him to come home and tell me he loves me and that it’ll be all right. I could tell you how much I hate being so far away… Or, I could tell you how right now doesn’t define me, or how happy I am that it’s the end of the day. I could tell you how happy I will be when I see him. I could be sweet and sassy. I could smile instead of scowl. I could take an extra 10 minutes in the tub to decide that I will feel better no matter what and make the most of what I have this very moment. I could sing instead of cry, all day long. I could make myself see butterflies and lady bugs instead of snow and mud. I could choose to be happy. It’s really that simple because I chose to make it that way.